#1: Santa Cruz, CA
Have you ever wished you could choke on a churro, but don’t have a boardwalk to do it at? Well, now you’re in luck! At this lovely Californiacation get away, you’ll be sure to find enough ocean to hide hundreds of body parts, young and old- it’s a family friendly resort. Bash in someone’s brains on the beach or break a knee cap at any number of reggae themed cafés downtown! Santa Cruz translates to ‘holy cross’, so at least you’ll rest in peace on Jesus territory.
#2: New York City, NY
The Big Apple is best known for its Broadway attractions and extra lox bagels, but did you know you could get can-canned to death at the Rockefeller Center?
#3: London, Paris
Discloser: It’s not a real place. If you find yourself in London Paris, you should know you fucked up. On arrival, pretentious people will surround you with baguettes and crepes. If you accept neither then that’s automatic death. If you take them? You know, spontaneous combustion isn’t that uncommon. Shit happens and London, Paris should be avoided.
#4: Los Angeles, CA
Leave your Percocet at home and go buy yourself a pair of perky sets! In the city of angels, there are failed musical theatre majors turned superheroes and bar scenes galore. Do not worry, problematic underaged relationships left and right! If you don’t believe me, ask the Weinstein’s, Spacey’s, Cosby’s, Epstein’s etc. for a tour around downtown. What’s the worst that could- oh no, don’t drink that.
#5: Miami, FL
Last but not least, Florida.