ASHLAND, OR- When Ashland was originally founded in 1852 the community never expected literacy to come into fashion. Nowadays, we find that the 21st century has a lot more to offer than book burnings and biblical mentalities. As we currently dangle over the edge of post pandemic life, a small town library is facing injustice as one citizen threatens the lives of countless books.
Books from the Ashland Community Library have checked in and out, but a recent incident has citizens questioning the condition of some of those books. An investigation into the report of ‘multiple books screaming for help after being kept at home’ in this Ashland neighborhood led to the arrest of a 19 year old Jane Doe. Officers responded to 410 Siskiyou Boulevard around 3p.m. last Wednesday following a distressed phone call between the Library’s receptionist and 911.
Reports from the 911 dispatcher confirmed that staff and citizens at the library had been nervous, even a bit threatened, when Doe walked in holding no books asking the receptionist how they could “pay off late fees.” Carol Burnett, who was with her 7 year old son at the establishment looking for adult coloring books, had this to say about the incident. “The woman at the desk asked her if she knew about the overdue books, how long it had been, and this person just stood there and said yes. I-I nearly fainted and my son sharted instantly.” Burnett said before tearing up a little.
According to a very fake Department of Public Safety, the suspect in question has been beaten, arrested, and convicted without trial for their crimes against book kind and humanity. According to the jail log, the inmate was arrested the day following the incident in question. Since their arrest, Doe has since been linked to a robbery with a firearm, rubbing feces on the side of a Food 4 Less, and theft. All additional crimes occurred while the inmate was in jail.
With justice served with life in prison for book extremist Jane Doe, the community of Ashland, Oregon can rest knowing books are kept in safe environments, with plenty of love, food, and water to help them grow into the sagas they were meant to be. Police Chief Billie Eyelash released a statement that “If you are out there, scared and book shaped, you are not alone. Get somewhere safe and call 1-800-Overdue and a librarian will be coming for you”. This warning should not be taken lightly, as I have a couple of overdue books and not much time leftsksksksk
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