Weight Loss Tips (for all ages)

I just ate $30 worth of taco bell, so I think I got this one. Some people say weight loss is achieved through cardio, but I say it’s all about which mystery shake you subscribed to or those pills that are infused with green tea you bought via bitcoin. That’s the solution to a problem that isn’t even a real problem. So raise your tacos high with me, and let’s just buy some shit!

First Shit: conjugated linoleic acid pills

So you might be thinking, this fasting cleanse says it’s not for children, but your 10-year-old has stopped weight lifting and that’s a problem. It’s okay, little Billy can be reminded of their gains by taking this little pill every day. Just crush it or pop the container open and put 1-4 servings in their oatmeal. Simple, effective, and for the whole family! (conjugated linoleic acid is a type of fatty acid found mostly in beef and dairy… so vegans can f*CK off)

Second Product: LEAN BEAN (am I just a bean to you?)

Having trouble finding your clit? Don’t you fret, with the lean bean any access is now clean! Ladies, listen up! Does your stomach hurt when you crunch? Is your husband ever home? Do you like pink? If you answered yes- this is the pill for you. Just grab a credit card and sign up for a year’s worth. It’s all or nothing! Now in pink, for her.

THIRD FUCKING THING: SHakOlOgY

Do you like not having $200? Then this is the protein shake for you. With this dusty drink, I- *WARNING* Shakology is not a scam. Shakology would like you as a customer, or if you are devoted, a coach. It’s $15.95 a month to be a verified coach plus the amount of product you’d like to sell.

Most bags are about $200, but this premium coach experience offers meetings with other local Shakology coaches, a workout DVD, and of course happiness. As a coach, you can make sales independently, and we will spread the word together. If P90X didn’t work, this will. 

NUmBEr #48749 Enshores

Are you poor, old, or both?

Then this is for you.

Only thing on this list I’d actually recommend.

ONE TOO MANY: Shrinking Beauty

“Lobster-inspired” slimming cream is a 5-ounce tube of a moisturizer formula made to simulate “a lobster’s ability to shrink its body,” claimed on Health magazine DERMAdoctor allegedly wrote on its website: “Learn from the lobster. This sea creature knows exactly how to shrink a size effortlessly without going on a diet. Our slimming and toning formula mirrors the ecdysteroid hormone lobsters produce to get skinny and wiggle free of their shells.”

As of Dec. 29, the cream’s product description noted it’s “not intended for weight loss.”

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