Weight Loss Tips (for all ages)

I just ate $30 worth of taco bell, so I think I got this one. Some people say weight loss is achieved through cardio, but I say it’s all about which mystery shake you subscribed to or those pills that are infused with green tea you bought via bitcoin. That’s the solution to a problem that isn’t even a real problem. So raise your tacos high with me, and let’s just buy some shit!

First Shit: conjugated linoleic acid pills

So you might be thinking, this fasting cleanse says it’s not for children, but your 10-year-old has stopped weight lifting and that’s a problem. It’s okay, little Billy can be reminded of their gains by taking this little pill every day. Just crush it or pop the container open and put 1-4 servings in their oatmeal. Simple, effective, and for the whole family! (conjugated linoleic acid is a type of fatty acid found mostly in beef and dairy… so vegans can f*CK off)

Second Product: LEAN BEAN (am I just a bean to you?)

Having trouble finding your clit? Don’t you fret, with the lean bean any access is now clean! Ladies, listen up! Does your stomach hurt when you crunch? Is your husband ever home? Do you like pink? If you answered yes- this is the pill for you. Just grab a credit card and sign up for a year’s worth. It’s all or nothing! Now in pink, for her.


Do you like not having $200? Then this is the protein shake for you. With this dusty drink, I- *WARNING* Shakology is not a scam. Shakology would like you as a customer, or if you are devoted, a coach. It’s $15.95 a month to be a verified coach plus the amount of product you’d like to sell.

Most bags are about $200, but this premium coach experience offers meetings with other local Shakology coaches, a workout DVD, and of course happiness. As a coach, you can make sales independently, and we will spread the word together. If P90X didn’t work, this will. 

NUmBEr #48749 Enshores

Are you poor, old, or both?

Then this is for you.

Only thing on this list I’d actually recommend.

ONE TOO MANY: Shrinking Beauty

“Lobster-inspired” slimming cream is a 5-ounce tube of a moisturizer formula made to simulate “a lobster’s ability to shrink its body,” claimed on Health magazine DERMAdoctor allegedly wrote on its website: “Learn from the lobster. This sea creature knows exactly how to shrink a size effortlessly without going on a diet. Our slimming and toning formula mirrors the ecdysteroid hormone lobsters produce to get skinny and wiggle free of their shells.”

As of Dec. 29, the cream’s product description noted it’s “not intended for weight loss.”

Oregon woman arrested for not returning overdue books

ASHLAND, OR- When Ashland was originally founded in 1852 the community never expected literacy to come into fashion. Nowadays, we find that the 21st century has a lot more to offer than book burnings and biblical mentalities. As we currently dangle over the edge of post pandemic life, a small town library is facing injustice as one citizen threatens the lives of countless books.

Books from the Ashland Community Library have checked in and out, but a recent incident has citizens questioning the condition of some of those books. An investigation into the report of ‘multiple books screaming for help after being kept at home’ in this Ashland neighborhood led to the arrest of a 19 year old Jane Doe. Officers responded to 410 Siskiyou Boulevard around 3p.m. last Wednesday following a distressed phone call between the Library’s receptionist and 911.

Reports from the 911 dispatcher confirmed that staff and citizens at the library had been nervous, even a bit threatened, when Doe walked in holding no books asking the receptionist how they could “pay off late fees.” Carol Burnett, who was with her 7 year old son at the establishment looking for adult coloring books, had this to say about the incident. “The woman at the desk asked her if she knew about the overdue books, how long it had been, and this person just stood there and said yes. I-I nearly fainted and my son sharted instantly.” Burnett said before tearing up a little.

According to a very fake Department of Public Safety, the suspect in question has been beaten, arrested, and convicted without trial for their crimes against book kind and humanity. According to the jail log, the inmate was arrested the day following the incident in question. Since their arrest, Doe has since been linked to a robbery with a firearm, rubbing feces on the side of a Food 4 Less, and theft. All additional crimes occurred while the inmate was in jail.

With justice served with life in prison for book extremist Jane Doe, the community of Ashland, Oregon can rest knowing books are kept in safe environments, with plenty of love, food, and water to help them grow into the sagas they were meant to be. Police Chief Billie Eyelash released a statement that “If you are out there, scared and book shaped, you are not alone. Get somewhere safe and call 1-800-Overdue and a librarian will be coming for you”. This warning should not be taken lightly, as I have a couple of overdue books and not much time leftsksksksk

This article could not be possible without our sponsor, lies.

OPINION: Reasons why Country music makes your ears bleed

At one point or another you might have heard someone say ‘I like all types of music except country.’ This musical disgust begs the question, how can so many people quickly dismiss country music as a good category for music. Could it be because it’s terrible? Sure, but there’s no way that that many people have an inherent disdain for the country ingrained in them.

While researching the topic, it became apparent that the spread of hate for country music was not just spiking in cities like New York and Los Angeles. A 2012 study by the University of Notre Dame discovered that most college-educated young adults are especially likely to dislike country music. Classical music also falls under the category of genres especially unlikely to be favored by this demographic. 

The University of Michigan Women’s Studies and Music professor Nadine Hubbs wrote a novel called Rednecks, Queers, and Country Music. In her book, she tries to answer some irrational and seemingly inherent hate for Country music. “Is the declaration ‘Anything but country’ really about music?” Hubbs asked in her book. When popular country music first debuted and distributed around the States in the 1920s, a decision was made. In the South- do we keep blues-based music together? That would mean black and white musicians having an equal platform. The answer was easy at the time: no. This kind of ass backwards thinking musically led Hubbs to suggest there’s now two marketing barriers, instead of one “racially distinct marketing categories: hillbilly and race.” 

Just like country is an unexpected favorite genre of our generation, hip-hop used to be that place holder for most Americans. As rapping emerged into the musical scene, finding its roots in the early 1970s; it was nearly impossible to find on the radio and was later popularized around 1979 when the Sugarhill Gang released their breakaway hit, “Rapper’s Delight”. Even then, the genre was not considered mainstream until the mid-1990s and only became the top-selling music genre by 1999. Although times are changing, to this day some people will use the expression ‘I like all music except hip-hop’ but if we are to listen to anything, nothing should be off the table.

Sociology professor at Wayne State University Steven Stack wrote a article called The Effect of Country Music on Suicide, which aimed to prove a relation between someone listening to country music and taking their own life. Stack believed that music which affects physiological moods that portrays loss of love, money, and freedom can be a contributing factor in suicide. “Audience receptiveness to suicidogenic problems such as alcohol abuse or marital discord is fairly high among country music’s audience…” Although these points are fair, and I don’t know why I would stick up for country music, a genre of music that relates to a certain demographic should not be blamed for issues that those listeners have. Not everything is black and white, there is a bigger picture here that isn’t getting the attention it deserves.

Country music has become widely hated and picked apart, occasionally taking the heat for issues within the genre’s enthusiasts. Even google users have frequently asked if country music kills brain cells, so much so that it’s the second most searched suggested question under ‘does country’. The short answer: no. Long answer? If you do some things that are in some country songs then yeah maybe you might lose a brain cell or two, but to blame all country music for your actions is like blaming your dog for eating your homework. Maybe you shouldn’t leave your Algebra covered in BBQ in the dog’s bowl. 

Any music can be as subjective as this blog, if someone likes one genre over the other that’s just an opinion. That itself is subjective and acceptable and probably pretentious or rambly. Regardless of personal tastes, it takes a close minded person to utter the phrase ‘I like all music except country’ and I should know. I also like all music except country.

Ashland Rallies for Racial and Social Equity Commission

As we approach the anniversary of George Floyd’s deadly encounter with Minneapolis police officer Derek Chavin, more instances of racial injustice prevail with next to no accountability. As the city braces for a verdict on George Floyd’s case, protests continue to engulf the United States while citizens demand systematic reform and change. In the city of Ashland, located in Southern Oregon, a rally was organized last Sunday to petition for a Racial and Social Equity committee, in aspiration of community diversity and representation.

The rally was led by Xuba Evaristo, the Co-founder at Oak Temple of Ashland and possibly the first humanoid Whole foods. The Oak Temple of Ashland is an organization dedicated to ‘exploring, honoring, and supporting a sacred masculine experience’. The organization, located near the Jackson Wellsprings, gathers for events involving spiritually but not focusing on any particular religion, events such as spring equinox sunset prayer circles and winter solstice celebrations. 

The petition was created by Evaristo and Royce Snyder, two active members of Oak, with the intention to reach 100 signatures. On Saturday, a day before the event, some protestors met up to make signs for the rally with Evaristo. Supplies for those who didn’t have any were provided, and individuals with similar political stances were able to meet and network before the rally. 

On April 18th the day before Floyd’s verdict was reached, protestors lined up in downtown Ashland to voice their concerns at traffic between 12pm and 3pm. Dozens of advocates organized downtown, individuals old and young; black, but mostly white took their stance with pride. Although the rally had some strong messages to display, there proved to be some confusion on where the rally was taking place which led to small crowds forming.

Distress arose in protestors who were unaware where the rally was taking place or how to get there, and there were no organizers in sight. Many individuals with BLM signs were seen wandering around downtown looking for other areas to rally. Other protestors seemed confused as to where to go or what to do and proceeded to hold up there sign and wait, it wasn’t until 12:30pm did Evaristo show up with some members of Oak. 

During the rally, about three dozen citizens attended in the span of 3 hours whereas hundreds of other people were interested in going, but could not attend. The rally didn’t only get attention from citizens, Police Chief Tighe O’Meara issued a statement to show their solidarity with the movement. O’Meara claimed that she would participate in or ask other officers to rotate police staffing through future Racial and Social Equity meetings, if the committee was to be organized.

Supporters for a Racial and Social Equity came from all over to support the petition, but just what is the desired outcome for this assembly? Well, not only does this petition aim to implement anti racist measures and draft a concrete plan to accomplish equity in the City of Ashland’s city council, but would strive to hire economically marginalized civilians and minorities.

The petition that will be presented to the city council this upcoming Tuesday, states that commissioners would have additional qualifications by education and/or demonstrated work practice as equity leaders. This hypothetical committee would meet up at least once a month to aid city council members when Identifying both the “systemic and systematic practices of racism, homophobia, sexism and classism which have fostered structural inequalities, challenges, and deficiencies in Ashland.”

It has been almost a year since BLM protestors gathered in downtown Ashland to ‘Defund the Police’ yet with countless more hate crimes occurring, citizens rallied again. The citizens of Ashland took to the streets with their friends and family with the intention of protesting injustice, but the rally itself seemed dysfunctional. From organizers coming to the event late to protestors unsure of where to gather, this rally could have probably used a different assortment of organizers to bring more attention to this cause. 

Tomorrow, the 20th will be when the petition is brought up in a city council meeting to create some momentum towards more diverse portrayals in Ashland, Oregon. There are only 20 signatures on the change.org petition out of their 100 signature goals, if this concept is an area of interest the reader is advised to click on the link below.

Commission for Racial and Social Equity Petition link: http://chng.it/LpX78Tsqb2

(Left and Right) On April 18th, 2021 Protestors gathered in downtown Ashland, OR to support BLM

Cognition & Consent

If you were diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer’s there’s a word that would start to pop up: continence. Which refers to someone’s compacity to think for themselves, from urination to sex. The lack of cognition in an individual somewhat defines their state of mind with a lack of restraint, usually through some sort of assessment proving that they are no longer able to make decisions for themselves. When diagnosed, a level of consent is taken from that individual and placed in the hands of their POA, usually their child, a family member, or in some cases a social worker. Although every individual experience is different, this change in rights can still be grating to those who experience it.

When an individual with memory loss is assessed and diagnosed, that’s around the same time their POA would be assigned and custody given. To gain custody and become someone’s power of attorney, or POA, there are a few things you need to prove. First, there must be proof that their new POA will act in that person’s best interest, use the least restrictive option with them, and exhibit proof that the said person is unwise in making their own decisions. If all points are met and the assessment seems lawful, only then will custody be granted. These key principles are applied from the Mental Capacity Act developed in 2005 that clarifies the legal position of those providing help or services to people who may lack the capacity to take certain actions or decisions for themselves. 

When it comes to memory loss’s version of freedom, it’s not easy to define what that definition is. Freedom is a very broad blanket term to show free will. Yes, there are a dozen different kinds of living situations offered to those with declining continence, but said places aren’t always ideal. Most common placements for these individuals are memory care facilities or simply a retirement home. These kinds of placements aren’t always one the individual has a choice in. On occasion, while checking into these facilities residents have been extremely misled. There have been instances where POAs fear their dependents’ reaction to moving, and instead of explaining the situation, can legally trick them into this residential change. 

This has happened enough to the point where it’s become an alternative method to moving someone. To all together walk into a facility, their POAs/family leave, while the individual stays in a locked area. Only to later find out they are permanently living there, usually forgetting the events as time goes on. Almost every case of this happening has the new resident reacting to the change, understandably upset and/or exit seeking. Many new admissions have been reported to forget that this new place is their home, which is understandable after such an unorthodox moving process. This can lead individuals to relive the fear of never seeing their ‘real home’ again and again. As far as making decisions for someone, this specific method seems relatively cruel to adapt to, anything but in that person’s best interest.

As incontinence turns to decline, one must consider the lack of consent given to someone who struggles to communicate. When comfort medications are ordered to those with declining cognition, hourly morphine is not only given if the resident says ‘yes or no’ it’s decided by the medical professionals around them who see it fit. End of life care is admirable to say the least, at it’s core there are caregivers, home health aids, and hospice nurses who stop at nothing to provide needed care to those who can’t care for themselves.

That being said, going onto hospice is rarely seen as a glamorous alternative way to die. Although it is a better alternative to the all natural way, comfort measures can still be an enormous adjustment physically and emotionally. From Lorazepam to Morphine, comfort care medications are usually administered to reduce pain and encourage a patient’s persistence towards death. That process can take as much or little time as it needs to, from days, weeks, months someone can teeter totter between life and a downhill decline.

With all things considered, it’s already hard enough for individuals with declining cognition to have to rely on others to perform everyday tasks. When alternative methods of care resort to lack of consent when relocating then that’s when that individuals quality of life is truly thrown out the window. From caregivers to administrators, memory care facilities strive to provide long term environments with their residents best interest in mind. Although the intention was adequate, the implementation has shittier results then their patients brief’s.

Source: Getty Images

Top Best 5 Vacation Spots (for Assisted Suicide)

#1: Santa Cruz, CA

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Photo by Getty Images Edited by Danny Whack

Have you ever wished you could choke on a churro, but don’t have a boardwalk to do it at? Well, now you’re in luck! At this lovely Californiacation get away, you’ll be sure to find enough ocean to hide hundreds of body parts, young and old- it’s a family friendly resort. Bash in someone’s brains on the beach or break a knee cap at any number of reggae themed cafés downtown! Santa Cruz translates to ‘holy cross’, so at least you’ll rest in peace on Jesus territory.

#2: New York City, NY

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Photo by Getty Images Edited by Danny Whack

The Big Apple is best known for its Broadway attractions and extra lox bagels, but did you know you could get can-canned to death at the Rockefeller Center?

#3: London, Paris

Photo by Getty Images Edited by Danny Whack

Discloser: It’s not a real place. If you find yourself in London Paris, you should know you fucked up. On arrival, pretentious people will surround you with baguettes and crepes. If you accept neither then that’s automatic death. If you take them? You know, spontaneous combustion isn’t that uncommon. Shit happens and London, Paris should be avoided.

#4: Los Angeles, CA

Photo by Getty Images Edited by Danny Whack

Leave your Percocet at home and go buy yourself a pair of perky sets! In the city of angels, there are failed musical theatre majors turned superheroes and bar scenes galore. Do not worry, problematic underaged relationships left and right! If you don’t believe me, ask the Weinstein’s, Spacey’s, Cosby’s, Epstein’s etc. for a tour around downtown. What’s the worst that could- oh no, don’t drink that.

#5: Miami, FL

Photo by Getty Images Edited by Danny Whack

Last but not least, Florida.

Trump blamed for Capital Riots

From underestimating the severity of a pandemic to clearly inciting violence with their own supporters, the 45th presidency was as entertaining to watch as a car crash. Scary, but hard to look away from. Donald Trump had inspired two impeachments, half of all impeachments successfully passed through the house. Comes to show that just because you can make history, doesn’t mean you should.

Right before the attack on January 6th, Donald Trump was on the way out of the white house, but not so eager to relay the job to Biden. After years of rallies where Trump would advocate for violence between his supporters against other democratic groups, it seems too coincidental when his supporters are then called upon to take action. Like soldiers awaiting battle, they stood by for orders. 

Only hours before the attack began, another intense rally was held by the former president, featuring guest speakers like Alex Jones, who hyped the crowd up by mentioning a now popular slogan within his supporters, ‘Fight for Trump’. With tensions boiling over, there was not much left to do but unleash the dogs. President Trump declared towards the end of his speech that ‘if you don’t fight like hell you’re not going to have a country anymore’. A threat his supporters did not take lightly; moments after that rally the crowd felt invited by the president to take action inside the capitol hill.

Thousands of protestors swarmed the capitol; proud boys organizers were captured by multiple cameras breaking windows, pushing past outnumbered cops, and strategizing to obtain lawmakers with intent to kill. Alongside the proud boys, more than a dozen extremist groups took part in ‘making America great again’ such as Anon and Oath Keepers and Three Percenters. Claims of Antifa organizations being there have since been debunked.

During the riots, a lynching station was set up outside the capital intended for ‘journalists and lawmakers’. Assumedly, political figures Trump supporters don’t agree with- people like Nancy Polisi. Rioters could be seen vandalizing capitol hill, aggressively shouting ‘Where’s Nancy!?’ as they tore down her office. In pence’s office, a note left by rioters read ‘It’s only a matter of time- justice is coming’ was discovered by police, leading to the arrest of John A Chesley. Many rioters claimed that there was no ill intent behind the searches, still if given the opportunity their actions show a far sinister execution of power. 

With last year having one of the highest rises in unemployment claims, you have to wonder if protests like these have to do with Americans teeter tottering on and off the line of poverty. To say that revolting against a government is wrong, is to look past how this country was founded. While looking at the Trump supporters who stormed the capital, it becomes apparent that they were not starting from the bottom. Nope, they’re on top. Some supporters, like Jason Hyland or Kathrine Schwab, flew to the event with their friends and family in private jets. Similar to a Disney world vacation, except people died. While other supporters had enough financial backing to bail out of jails, with bail set at fifty thousand dollars and over.

Not only were they above the law to some extent financially, but they even felt entitled to private property. Fuck, rioters took debate tables like they were souvenirs from a San Francisco gift shop. Footage from inside looks a lot more like an amusement park, then a war zone. Keep in mind, this riot did cause 5 deaths, 4 protestors and 1 cop. To say Trump’s supporters are fighting to win their country back, is to say they don’t already have it.

With the attack on capitol hill, it’s hard to see what the end goal was intended to be. While looking into the transfer of power, from former president trump to Biden replacing him, it seems that this was Trump’s last grasp for power. This riot was less about his supporters, and more about him. As a sitting president, Trump has weakened alliances and refused to help Americans logically. Keeping him in power is a bad reason to storm the capital, consider why other governments get overthrown? To challenge inhuman health care or change a law for the better. It would be foolish to look at an uprising about affordable health care and compare them to the capital riots as if they were equal. The capital riots were a foolish display of the worst tendencies in America, and the racism that’s enabled.

Donald Trump hosting ‘Save America March’ rally before the capitol riot (left) and a knuse set up by Trump supports in front of the capital. (right) Photos taken by Getty Images Chief Photographer Win McNamee.